Now they’re here for you to enjoy!

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1. Funny Fat Girl (censored!)

2. I Don’t Think About Dying

3.  Who Needs a Dream?

4.  Desert to the Sea

5. No Matter How Hard You Try (plugged!) (NSFW!)

Until now:

Say whaaaaaaa?!

And from a different angle:

Are you sure you don't mean "Warning: Small parts may be hazardous to children"? or "CHOKING HAZARD!!!"?

My friends Ho Ying and Louise got these lights from their local 99cent store in Sunnyside, Queens and couldn’t help but notice these craaazy-ass admonitions printed on the box.

Apparently, these lights are made by a Flushing company called Trisonic, which manufactures all sorts of 99cent store electronic notions like: cables, power strips, “beauty care kits”  – and of course, “WTF?!” Christmas lights.

I don’t know what someone did to someone else to cause Person #2 to put this sort of thing on a mass-produced holiday decoration, but nothing can be as horribly and RELIGIOUSLY in-your-face as Forever21′s mainstream evangelicalism (forcing all middle class American women to carry their $12 tank tops home in a Bible-quoting bag).

I can only guess that this Flushing-based company is Chinese-owned – hence the doomsday Confucious-meets-Werner Herzog tone of their product packaging.  But however out-of-place, these box proverbs are at least slightly more  insightful than what you’ll find inside of a fortune cookie.   And in fact, Trisonic seems to practice what it preaches in terms of continuous improvement.  From the “About Us” section of their requisite generic/creepy corporate website:

“Each on of our Trisonic products is manufactured using the latest technology and finest materials. To best serve you, we regularly update our current products to match your needs while keeping our prices low and our quality high. By being on a constant watch for new ideas in order to develop the best products, we are always here to supply you with your changing needs.”

Clearly copied from a college management textbook, but a clever business model to SUPPLY customers with needs – which apparently are philosophical reminders! And as an INFP personality type, I can totally appreciate a little moral Post-it note here and there.

In fact, this box has inspired to make a few of my own holiday product warnings:

TINSEL!

“Do not allow yourself to be be strangled by close-minded desires.”

GARLAND!

“Life is a circle of pain that you should not contribute to with your own selfishness.   Or else.”

ORNAMENT!

“Those who judge others will suffer the consequences, as the apocalypse is nigh.”

STOCKINGS!

“People who shirk their responsibilities will  suffer inescapable lifelong guilt and face strong punishment in the afterlife. You hear that, Anthony?!”

Happy Holidays, everyone!

The past couple weeks have been pretty busy, getting a lot of personal administrative (and some creative) stuff out of the way before I disappear into six weeks of 50-hour work weeks!  I am “balancing” two jobs:  UES summer camp teacher/counselor and Downtown theater accountant.  It gets a little crazy like this every once in awhile, but I’ll gladly emerge from this whirlwind with a slightly bigger pile of cash than I had before (ESPECIALLYINTHISECONOMY).

And not only has my work/life ratio been dramatically – albeit temporarily – shifted, I’ll also be attending more weddings this year than I have in the last three years combined!   I hear that this is only the beginning -  that  I should look forward to several more weddings a year as (my peers and) I travel unwillingly through my late twenties.  That means (my peers and) I will have less than two and a half years left to make fun of people in their 30s….  Oy, that’s mean, isn’t it?  It’s pretty awful.  Well, at least that means that will I probably deserve what’s coming to me, which I’ve heard includes: increasingly slower metabolism, increasingly eye cream-resistant wrinkles, increasingly valid anxiety about whether or not I’ll ever reach my full potential as a human being, and increasingly pathetic realizations that my boobs have (probably?) ALREADY reached their full potential as boobs.

Plus, there’s nothing like working with little kids – BORN IN 2002 and 2003!!!!! – to really drive the point home that I am a grown up.  And that I should probably not be eating these fruit roll ups for dinner at 9:21pm at night.

So instead of continuing to push myself creatively, I changed my blog header picture (see above). Pretty rad, huh? This picture was taken by Tom while we were walking around Long Island City last month. Those tigers are really cool. I think they are going to Las Vegas to see if Siegfried and Roy are still up for recreational tiger fun. They’re just waiting for their driver, Juan, who is inside the bar/restaurant getting stacks of cash from their pimp. Juan gets to keep any unused per diem, so he will probably end up mistreating the tigers and make them stay three to a room, even though he knows that two of them won’t want to share a bed – they’ll have to get a cot.

Anyway, Juan is taking his time, probably sipping some Maker’s on the rocks even though he has to drive. But Juan has never been one to say no to a free drink. Well, he’ll get plenty of those in Las Vegas with his washboard moustache and curly abs. I’m just going to take this picture with the tigers and hope that Juan doesn’t catch me. Once these tigers make it to Vegas, we’ll never hear from ‘em again. They’ll be livin’ it up. La vida loca. Yeah. What happens there will stay there. Bro.

So to summarize: because I couldn’t think of anything of substance to share with the world, I changed my image (see above), and that inspired me to write that story about the tigers. What started out as a creative quest turned into a shallow PR move, which turned into the resolution of my creative quest. Done, done, and done.

Take good care of my boys (and possibly one girl), Juan. They deserve the very best.

And you know what, Juan? I almost lost that blog post because I highlighted the text prior to inserting that picture from “File”, but thankfully I had greedily pasted the entire thing into the “Excerpt” section because I don’t like to choose between my word children. But the point is that I almost lost that text, and that goes to show that nothing’s too precious. Nothing’s too sacred. And there’s probably no one is watching out for anyone else. Except you. So just give those tigers each their own beds, huh? Won’t you?

This movie was GREAT (to me) for several reasons:

1.  Like, SO many Asians are it.

OBVS, you have to have Sulu in it and John Cho was a great choice.  It’s freaking amazing to see an Asian in a Hollywood production (not portraying a stereotype), like, EVER.  This Star Trek movie had SEVERAL because, well, it kind of makes sense.  There are TONS of Asians on EARTH, so chances are there will be a lot of them in space too.  In addition to Cho, there was Faran Tahir as Richard Robau, captain of the U.S.S. Kelvin.  Also, there was an Asian space doctor (of course) and lots of Asian crew members all up in the back.. Star Trek has always been reppin with George Takei (original Hikaru Sulu), Rosalind Chao (Keiko O’Brien) and Ensign Kim (Garrett Wang), so it was great to see that continued.  Star Date THANKS FOR ACKNOWLEDGING THAT ASIANS EXIST!

2.  You guys, Uhura and Spock had a relationship like that?!?!

That was tight, yo.  It could have played out really rejectedly, but it was kinda hot.  And intense.  I especially liked how Uhura (Zoe Saldana) was kissing superpassionately, but Spock (Zachary Pinto) had, like, a stoic kiss.  Have we ever seen a Vulcan kiss?!  We have now!  And it was awkward in a sexy way – like the male equivalent of a naughty librarian. Which leads me to…

3.  YOUNG SPOCK IS HAWWWWT!!!

Oh my God, are you kidding me?!  First of all, Zachary Pinto is already hot.  Then you turn him into the younger version of one of the most beloved characters in the history of television (and film)?  Oh yeah.  Even that bowl hair cut and funky dunky eyebrow/ear situation can’t hold down the sexiness!  I mean, I already have a weakness for laconic intellectuals.  This was out of control.

4.  This shit was really funny shit.

J.J. Abrams always has a great sense of humor, which is one thing that makes his shows (ok, some of them) great.  He really busted out the hilarity here without taking away from the plot:  the bloated hand sequence with young Kirk, cool one liners from Spock, Simon Pegg (Scottie), and the little alien that hangs with Scottie (“Get down from there!”), etc. etc. etc.  I’ve always found Star Trek (especially TNG) to be chock full of humor.

KAH-DOOZE to J.J. for infusing the movie with great laughs!

5.  It wasn’t that “scary”.

OK, this is probably the most debatable point I’m making here.  Many many people were disappointed that there wasn’t a greater sense of danger, despite the splosions and universe-ending mission.  We know Abrams can do suspense, but in keeping with any of the television series, did ANYONE ever feel scared watching an episode of Star Trek?  (Admittedly, I was sometimes afraid that I might accidentally see someone’s boner through a Federation uniform, but I think that was just my own anxiety issue/perversion/neuroses….)

ANYWAY, there were plenty of life-and-death situations in all the Star Trek series, but none of them had the suspense of “24″ or “X-Files”.  We can’t reasonably expect that level of suspense here either – I mean, there are women wearing regulation go go dancing outfits, for God sakes!  There’s a strong expectation these days for action movies to feel SUPER dangerous – and indeed, some of the previous Star Trek movies did have a greater sense of jeopordy.  However, I think it was a fine choice not to go the “OMGOMGOMG, we’re gonna die” route over and over again with this movie.  There was plenty of danger, but we knew they were going to get out of it somehow – which we all obviously knew coming into the movie anyway, right?

Plus, I am a scaredy cat and that was a fine level of suspense for me.  Jalapeno, not habenero.

6.  Great casting.

I mean, GREAT casting.  Not only did these fuckers look very much like the originals (Karl Urban even has a heart shaped face like the original McCoy), these actors had a fresh take while staying true to the characters.  It was hilarious that Pavel had an even MORE unintellible Russian/somewhat Polish accent – and although the funny accent bit is slightly SNL, the whole thing was as well executed as it could have been.  Most importantly Chris Pine had the Kirk-ness down. He had a really great moment when he sits down as captain for the first time, and we see a GLIMPSE of the future James T. Kirk.  I’m talking Shatner-esque rhythm and gaze.  It was just that subtle, and it worked.

7.  Gorgeous!

The movie was gorgeous.  All the cool effects that you’d want to see.

Yaaaay!  I would definitely see this movie again – especially in IMAX.  This movie was waaaay different from all the other Star Trek movies and series, but it did the job. (That’s right,  J.J. went where no one has gone before.)

The original video is here on Radar.

Also, we’ve been getting GREAT feedback on all our Octo-mom videos on YouTube and Huffington Post, but if you are a fan, please help us out with our Funny or Die ratings!

Thank you for watching!!!!!

Juliet reprises her role as Nads and I play Angela Suleman, her Lithuanian mother/grandmom to 14.  Watch the mother-daughter craziness:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFxKoyg2OKM]

Also, thank you for checking out our original parodies of the Octo-Mom v. Ann Curry videos, which were featured on CNN and have received over 100,000+ hits on Huffington Post and YouTube!  Thank you to everyone who has been watching them and leaving comments/ratings – the response has been overwhelming and we’re having so much fun w/ these because we are sick, sick people and we’re glad you are too!!!!

Then there was the most un-swinging “jazz” trumpeter ever.

Finally, trying to get down from my part-time job on the UES to my other part-time job in Soho last week, there was an NYU-looking kid w/ huge ironic glasses playing terribly with a girl (wannabe fuck buddy?) sitting next to him, bobbing her head in mock enthusiasm and adding random non-harmonizing “oohs” and “aahs”.  I thought it couldn’t get any worse when they launched into a pained rendition of “Piano Man” by Billy Joel.  Even the “la-di-dee-das” didn’t sound right. I wanted to kill myself.

Terrible.  TERRIBLE musicians.

On the flip side, there are sometimes REALLY effing good musicians that make your day:  the virtuoso Chinese dulcimer player in Times Square, the hipster who somehow manages to drag a console piano down into the West 4th Station, and the jazz trio lead by a flugel horn/trumpet player at Columbus Circle.  It’s so hit or miss, but the awfulness of the Lexington station makes me long for a good mariachi band….

Tonight on Fox is the American Idol Results Show of the first semi-finals.  Ryan asks how the judges felt about last night’s performance overall.  Randy gives some vague commentary, saying that it was good with some disappointments.  OBVIOUSLY.  Kara (who is wearing a really ugly suit jacket) actually names names:  Stevie, Casey, Stephen.

Per usual, there are some strange sexual tension jokes about Simon and the other judges.  This is getting TOO weird and I only think it will get worse as the season goes on.  The awkwardness is broken up by…

…THE corniest group performance I’ve ever seen on AI.  They split into trios and sing Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours”, which is fine around a campfire in Hawaii, but not on a national television show with frickin lasers in the background.  The worst trio is Ann Marie, Casey and Tatiana, who don’t even attempt to harmonize with each other and sound like three girls singing at a high school assembly.  The group performance only gets worse when they do the classic Idol guy-girl pair off, segues into choreography that involves shimmying.  However, it gets better at the end when they sing together as a group without too many bells and whistles.

Now we see a montage of last night’s performances.  We get to watch Jackie Tohn in her crazy spandex leggings again, and Braddy in his male wedding planner outfit.  We see clips of the younger performers who cracked under the pressure (Stevie and Casey performances look even worse than I remember when shown as 10 second clips).  In comparison, Tatiana looked pretty good!  But freaking ANOOP!!!!!!!!!!!  I love this guy!  Next, we see Ann Marie and Alexis singing Aretha Franklin back to back, and they had some pretty great moments (though I still strongly disagree with the comparison of Alexis to Kelly Clarkson).  And finally, Danny was the shizz!!!!!!!!