Until now:

Say whaaaaaaa?!

And from a different angle:

Are you sure you don't mean "Warning: Small parts may be hazardous to children"? or "CHOKING HAZARD!!!"?

My friends Ho Ying and Louise got these lights from their local 99cent store in Sunnyside, Queens and couldn’t help but notice these craaazy-ass admonitions printed on the box.

Apparently, these lights are made by a Flushing company called Trisonic, which manufactures all sorts of 99cent store electronic notions like: cables, power strips, “beauty care kits”  – and of course, “WTF?!” Christmas lights.

I don’t know what someone did to someone else to cause Person #2 to put this sort of thing on a mass-produced holiday decoration, but nothing can be as horribly and RELIGIOUSLY in-your-face as Forever21′s mainstream evangelicalism (forcing all middle class American women to carry their $12 tank tops home in a Bible-quoting bag).

I can only guess that this Flushing-based company is Chinese-owned – hence the doomsday Confucious-meets-Werner Herzog tone of their product packaging.  But however out-of-place, these box proverbs are at least slightly more  insightful than what you’ll find inside of a fortune cookie.   And in fact, Trisonic seems to practice what it preaches in terms of continuous improvement.  From the “About Us” section of their requisite generic/creepy corporate website:

“Each on of our Trisonic products is manufactured using the latest technology and finest materials. To best serve you, we regularly update our current products to match your needs while keeping our prices low and our quality high. By being on a constant watch for new ideas in order to develop the best products, we are always here to supply you with your changing needs.”

Clearly copied from a college management textbook, but a clever business model to SUPPLY customers with needs – which apparently are philosophical reminders! And as an INFP personality type, I can totally appreciate a little moral Post-it note here and there.

In fact, this box has inspired to make a few of my own holiday product warnings:

TINSEL!

“Do not allow yourself to be be strangled by close-minded desires.”

GARLAND!

“Life is a circle of pain that you should not contribute to with your own selfishness.   Or else.”

ORNAMENT!

“Those who judge others will suffer the consequences, as the apocalypse is nigh.”

STOCKINGS!

“People who shirk their responsibilities will  suffer inescapable lifelong guilt and face strong punishment in the afterlife. You hear that, Anthony?!”

Happy Holidays, everyone!

It's no "Funze" jumping el sharko!!!

What’s up with the television?!   It is making me sad.

First of all, Gossip Girl is sucking with it’s bad porn hair, TrachtenDuff teen slut double-punch  and threesome?!  Like so many shows, this schizz just doesn’t translate to college.  All the camp was great when these kids were kids, but now we’re supposed to care about them growing up?  Isn’t this show supposed to provide a sort of infantile – albeit, sexy – escapism?

Who cares?! Who cares?! And who cares?!

SYTYCD falls short of its own self-aggrandizing.  This is the opposite of self-fulfilling prophecy.  This is like what’s going to happen to the Kardashians or something.  First of all, Paula Abdul fails to show up after much hullabaloo, the new stage is wack, and there hasn’t been one memorable routine yet (although with all the tears, you’d think they were all Twyla Tharp dances about orphans with cancer).  Plus, boooo to losing the biggest asset ever: Mia Michaels.  And boo to Nigel for patting his own back so much there’s probably a hole in his suit over the right shoulder.  Even former “star” choreography Dan Karaty has fallen so far as to be a COMPETITOR in Bravo’s new “Launch My Line“.  So Mary Murphy will be on Real Housewives of  San Diego next (God knows you don’t actually have to be a wife to be on that show)?!

I don't care if it's a Top 20 of tap dancing Asians - I don't want to see pixels behind dancers unless it's a live show performed below 14th Street!

Ugly Betty is the only show I watch regularly that is just getting better with time.  Becki Newton’s Amanda gets sassier by the eye squint, Justin’s self-discovery/denial is riveting, and a this show is somehow topping itself even though it’s had multiple murders and a tranny since the first season!   Sometimes bigger is better, but mostly it’s that better is better.

Ooooh, child! Jamie Lynn-Sigler's gonna give you some cult juice!

Date an Asian has inspired 697 comments thus far – some loving, some passionate, some utterly bat shizz cray-cray, and an unexpectedly large number about whether Ph(F)ilipinos are “Asian” or not. It was like one loooong conversation with the public as one schizophrenic-ass commenter.

A Two-Month Conversation On YouTube
by Jen Kwok and YouTube Commenter

YouTube Commenter: This is gonna go viral haha

Jen Kwok: Yes, it just did! In fact, it was on MTV Iggy, Angry Asian Man and Buzzfeed – and it was the YouTube #1 Comedy Spotlight Video! I can hardly believe it.

YouTube Commenter: This is what I’ve been telling people all along. I’m a 28 y/o smooth skinny white guy now and most other gay guys that fit that description aren’t interested in asians. But I’ve been dating asian guys ever since I was 17…most have a lot to offer…in fact my faith in God is reinforced by how many wonderful, beautiful Asian men there are in the world…our culture should recognize this…

Jen Kwok: Thank you for getting it, SSWG!

YouTube Commenter: Comment removed by author

Jen Kwok: Did you say something?

YouTube Commenter: Comment removed by author

Jen Kwok: Oh. Okay, I guess not…. I just thought I heard…

YouTube Commenter: WOW, WOW, Did she just say SRI LANKAN????? AWESOME

Jen Kwok: Yes. Yes, I did Hehe.

YouTube Commenter: man..this song is gonna get some pussies for my asian cock!!

Jen Kwok: Haha, yes. Well… IF you manage to treat the ladies attached to the pussies decently for at least a few hours first! HAHA *sigh* And to think my song might have something to do with it…. Young love – so buoyant and multi-partner-y and carefree until consequences happen!

YouTube Commenter: Holy crap I have the same Accord with the same paint color. Just mine is more faded.haha

Jen Kwok: Ha ha. WOW. Ha! Whoah. I can’t believe you used ZERO exclamation points in a comment that started off with the worlds “holy crap”. Haha! I would have thought that was punctuation-ally impossible, but you just proved me wrong. Wow! Whoah! Geez! That was the most mellow realization ever. Haha!! hoho! Heehee…

YouTube Commenter: I took your advice.. and I fucked the first asian guy I saw. Thanks.

Jen Kwok: ….haha! Heehee! Oh God. Sorry, I’m still laughing from the comment before yours. But, hey – you’re welcome. And thanks for taking this message to heart and reporting it in such a matter-of-fact way. That means it happened.

YouTube Commenter: your dad’s kinda hot.

Jen Kwok: Thanks. He’s actually Phil Nee, an awesome stand-up comedian and photographer. He’s not really my dad.

YouTube Commenter: lol was that over the line? sorry =P

Jen Kwok: No, no, no. Phil’s a very lovely man. But if you had said that about my real dad, I probably would have cut you, LOL

YouTube Commenter: Hahahaha I love this video! I love you Jen Kwok! I AM Dating an Asian guy, his name is Tim! Ha

Jen Kwok: Awww, that’s great! God, I’m a sucker for a love story. Well, Tim sounds like a great guy, and I wish you two the very best

YouTube Commenter: I think all Asian men should be more aware of what is going on. Asian women have affirm the racial stereotypes of Asian men. Asian women, along with the white majority have effectively turned future generation of Asian kids into eunuch. It is funny, that white people and Asian women are laughing at us in public. When you have comedian like Ester Ku and ANTM Gina Cho making stereotypical statement about Asian men in the media, and the 50% out marriage rate to only whites, there is something

Jen Kwok: *nodding* OK….I see what you’re…

YouTube Commenter: cont. deeply wrong with America. The fact that there is a video like this shows you how bad things have gotten for Asian men in this country. Women are laugh at us. I am a good looking guy and when I go on my travel, I still get the small dick stereotype out in public. Is this what my son going to have to grow up in? Asian women with whites reinforced stereotypes. So as far as I am concern, Asian women are pretty much the enabler of the emasculation of Asian men in American.

Jen Kwok: Man, I’m sorry you feel that way, but my intention was actually to subvert those stereotypes. I can’t help it if people don’t get what I’m trying to do, but…well….

YouTube Commenter: its just a fucking joke. stop getting so butt hurt. it is hilarious.

Jen Kwok: Aww, thanks for coming to my defense! But…are…people really getting “butt hurt” on my video? I mean, I’m not really even sure what that means. Like, are they sitting too long and unable to go to the bathroom or something, or…. Well, at any rate, I hope they’re not getting “butt hurt”. Unless that’s what they’re into. I’m not here to judge….

The past couple of weeks, I did two of events that were completely awesome and happened to be rooted in the AA/APA community (and like LGBTQXZ-1, I’ll probably never take the time to figure out what the most inclusive acronym is).

The first event was Page Turner, The Asian American Literary Festival hosted by The Asian American Writer’s Workshop. I was part of a panel called “The New Eclectics”, which also featured the amazing and fun Sesshu Foster, Porochista Khakpour and Ed Lin. All the Asian American literati were there, including the highly decorated/awe-inspiring David Henry Hwang and Jhumpa Lahiri! Last night, I was also part of the line-up for Columbia University’s Cultureshock, hosted by their Asian Amerian Arts Alliance, which had everyone from uber-sexy FR3sh dance crew, and my comedy homie Eliot Chang, who just taped his Comedy Central Presents.

I’m not going to venture to explain what AA/APA/AAAAAA/AZN writing or entertainment is, but it’s clear to me that there is a certain recognition and community when you’re in a room full of people who share the same life-long identity crisis. We’re not post-racial, but I *think* we’re past Phase-1 rice jokes, and I know that I’ll write many more songs where the biggest laugh does not occur after the world “bubble tea”.

Even 5 years ago when I was in college, I don’t think there were as many established Asian performers out there that I could watch or read or visit the abandoned MySpace pages of.

Finally. Warm Fuzzies.

I’m excited to say that I’m playing with my band again next Friday, Oct 9 at The Blarney Stone!!!

That’s right – I’m plugging in my uke and rockin’ various tunes with Marco Bucelli (drums), Matt Buttermann (guitar) with A Bass Player (bass) and special guest, my boy Soce, The Elemental Wizard.  If you’ve ever wanted to hear the live band version of my hit, Date an Asian, this is your chance!!!  I’ll be doing songs new and old, funny and “serious”!

We’re opening up for the album release party of my friend/former college flatmate/bandmate, Bracey Smith’s band, Charm Face (isn’t that an awesome name?!?!)!  They are big in Japan.  Seriously.  They just came back from Japan, where they were big.

This is their logo:

They will, like, charm your face off.

Charm Face Album Release Party
FREE show!
Fri, Oct 9 at 8pm
21+over

Blarney Stone, 2nd Floor
410 8th Ave
(Right outside of Penn Station/MSG by the corner of 31st St and 8th Ave)

The party starts at 8pm
The Jen Kwok experience will start at 8:30
The Comfort Food music video premiere will be at 9:30
and Charm Face will start at 9:45

So I did a lil interview with the folks at MTV Iggy about the “Date an Asian” video, addressing some of the issues of race, answering some questions from YouTube commenters and talking about comedy in general.  Check it out here:  MTV Iggy Interview

Mad props to Woody and Samantha at MTV Iggy for being so crazy supportive and “getting” the message.

Thank you to all the friends and fans for the overwhelming support of this video!   This was a labor of love a year in the making, and I’m so glad that people are enjoying it.

<3 Jen

Here it is:

After fun ass day of shooting and a star studded live premiere at Sulu Series, this video is ready for all the world to see!!!

We hope that you enjoy it, and please please please help promote it!!!

HELP PROMOTE DATE AN ASIAN:
1. Email this vid to all your peeps, groups and listservs:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pG9vYZmoqmg
2. Post the video link to facebook, Twitter, MySpace, tumblr, blogs, etc!
3. Embed the video wherever you can!
4. “Favorite”, share, leave comments, “thumb up” on YouTube!
5. Stream the video on a laptop strapped to your chest!

Asian men are finally gettin’ their due, so please spread the love!!!

Friday Night:
Stayed home to nurse the contrails of my never-ending flu from last weekend.  I ended up drinking about six servings of miso soup, while watching the following:  five hours of Bravo (split between Real Housewives of Atlanta and Las Vegas Taxi Cab Confessions), an episode of Amazing Wedding Cakes, an episode of Bridezillas, Gwyneth Paltrow’s View from the Top, and a horrible Lifetime movie about a Mormon love quadrilateral starring Jennie Garth called A Loss of Innocence.

Oh Jenny....

So basically, I drank two gallons of salt water and had estrogen pumped through the television, into my eyeballs.  It was horrible.  I might as well have cut myself or eaten a quart of Rocky Road Ice Cream while dressing up my Barbie doll collection.  I literally watched TV for 9 hours.  It started at 7pm and lasted until 4am.  WHAT KIND OF FREAK AM I?!?!

Saturday:
Went to brunch with Adina in the East Village, wandered around Urban Outfitters, and picked up my books on reserve from Greenpoint Library.  And you know what?  It turns out there’s another Jennifer Kwok who goes to my branch!  I know this because I certainly did not order a Japanese manga written in Japanese with no pictures in it (seriously, what is that? )!  Then I went home and started reading my actual somehow-in-my-mind-less-dorkier book choice, The Golden Compass.  Then, realizing that I probably shouldn’t have ANY more miso for the rest of my life because I had consumed about 12,000 grams of sodium the night before, I decided to order in a Papacitos fish burrito.

FISH!!!

I ate this while watching Kubrick’s Lolita and marveling at the great acting – Peter Sellers rocks it in this movie (and James Mason and Shelly Winters are no schlubs either). After the movie, I fulfilled my weeklong craving for Haagen Daaz and bought a pint of Bailey’s flavored ice cream at my local pseudo-gourmet grocery market.  I went to bed EARLY – like 9pm, after Friday night’s fiasco.

Sunday:
Woke up relatively early after 12 hours’ sleep and started going through emails.  I grabbed a shower, ran some errands at Rite Aid (where they already have Halloween stuff up, BTW – horrifying!!!!) and bought a couple donuts and coffee from Peter Pan’s, which is now infamous for its Donut Ice Cream Sandwiches.  Got back home and edited/practiced my verse for “Trapped in a Dungeon”, a guest-rap-laden song by my buddy Soce, The Elemental Wizard.  Then I wrote and practiced my rap verse of a song we’re doing together, “Ride the Bus”, which will be released as a B-side to my single (also produced by and featuring Soce), “Date an Asian”.

After all that musical mayhem, I made some No Pudge Brownies and cleaned the house before my Tommy came home (it’s all the Mad Men watching that’s got me acting like robo-live-in-girlfriend).

No effing PUDGE - that's what I said!

Actually, the brownies were for my former boss, who is letting us stay at her house during our vacation, and Soce, who is hard at work producing all these awesome tracks!  I headed over to Manhattan (going from the G to the 7 because there is no service to Manhattan from 23-Ely Ave for the fourth weekend in a row) and met with my former boss to grab keys, directions, etc.  Then I headed downtown to record my rhymes with Soce.

Continuing with the self abuse, I came home not having eaten any dinner – BUT buying a goddamn Van Leeuwen ice cream while waiting for the bus on Bedford Ave.  WHY?!?!?!?!  Ugh, that ice cream is so good it’s hard for me to eat other ice cream now….  It didn’t melt once while I was waiting 15 minutes for that bus – not a square millimeter of it.  It’s perfect!!!!

Stupid Van Leeuwen, you hurt so good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, I got home and found my dear Tommy there, uploading a ton of pictures of his weekend at home, along with adorable 10 second videos of his dog running around and drinking water – videos that, BTW, would probably get more YouTube hits than all my videos combined!

It was nice to be kind of left alone this weekend, but between the miso/ice cream diet and 9-hour lady film festival, I really don’t think I’d last very long.  However, it was superfun to indulge, and I was glad to channel my inner rap star and try a new outlet for my creativity.

And now, for whatever reason, I can’t seem to go to bed just yet.  But…a girl has to try.

Good night!

The evening started off with amazing spoken word/poetry from Jenny C. Lares, Simone Jacobson and special guest Marco Mercado.

Marco Mercado

Supercool band Paperdoll also rocked the house with some original songs – and a fantastic cover of A-Ha!

We rolled into the music video premiere, which elicited a lot of positive responses – from laughter to “awws” to people genuinely being touched by the tribute to Asian guys, it was amazing to see such great reactions to a project that has been in the works for almost a year.

After the video premiered, we had had a bunch of great performances from the guys of “Date an Asian”, who are some of NY’s top Asian male performers:

YouJean Chang got the crowd going with his hilarious, racially charged humor.

Air Tabigue did a bunch of amazing new material after literally hopping off a plane from Vegas to make the show – what a guy!

Air Tabigue

Comedy improv group Asian Flush also had its world premiere last night!  The all-Asian, all-dude group consists of:  Joel Arandia, Keith Huang, Roy Koshy, Binu Paulose, Nikhil Rao, and Jamaal Sedayao.

Narinder Singh kept the crowd going with his cunning one-liners, which I dubbed “non-Sikh-uiturs”, teehee!

Narinder Singh

Phil Nee, the Godfather of Asian Comedy (who plays my dad in the video!), totally lived up to his name and  annihilated the crowd with his set.

Finally, The Part-Time Models dance crew brought down the house for the grand finale!!!

All in all, it was such a great night, and I want to thank everyone again for making “Date an Asian” possible.  The song and music video were a TON of fun to make, and it’s such a damn thrill to finally have it out in the world!

Moi

Also, a massive shoutout to the Sulu and Bowery Poetry Club crew:  mucho thanks to Taiyo Na for giving a home to Asian American artists – Sulu Series coming up on 5 years!!!  Thank you to DJ Boo for manning the turntables, Nick for teching up a storm, and the lovely Diane O’Debra for keeping us well hydrated.

Look for the video in the coming days, very soon!!!

AND, if you have a hankering for a LIVE performance of “Date an Asian” with myself and Soce, come to K-Date on Thurs, 8/20 at Comix!  Click on “Shows” for full details about this hit Asian matchmaking show!!!

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