For many jolly – but not particularly religious – people across the country, clear “Christmas” lights are the preferred method of bring in the holiday spirit without any sort of preachiness.

Until now:

And from a different angle:

My friends Ho Ying and Louise got these lights from their local 99cent store in Sunnyside, Queens and couldn’t help but notice these craaazy-ass admonitions printed on the box.

Apparently, these lights are made by a Flushing company called Trisonic, which manufactures all sorts of 99cent store electronic notions like: cables, power strips, “beauty care kits”  – and of course, “WTF?!” Christmas lights.

I don’t know what someone did to someone else to cause Person #2 to put this sort of thing on a mass-produced holiday decoration, but nothing can be as horribly and RELIGIOUSLY in-your-face as Forever21’s mainstream evangelicalism (forcing all middle class American women to carry their $12 tank tops home in a Bible-quoting bag).

I can only guess that this Flushing-based company is Chinese-owned – hence the doomsday Confucious-meets-Werner Herzog tone of their product packaging.  But however out-of-place, these box proverbs are at least slightly more  insightful than what you’ll find inside of a fortune cookie.   And in fact, Trisonic seems to practice what it preaches in terms of continuous improvement.  From the “About Us” section of their requisite generic/creepy corporate website:

“Each on of our Trisonic products is manufactured using the latest technology and finest materials. To best serve you, we regularly update our current products to match your needs while keeping our prices low and our quality high. By being on a constant watch for new ideas in order to develop the best products, we are always here to supply you with your changing needs.”

Clearly copied from a college management textbook, but a clever business model to SUPPLY customers with needs – which apparently are philosophical reminders! And as an INFP personality type, I can totally appreciate a little moral Post-it note here and there.

In fact, this box has inspired to make a few of my own holiday product warnings:

TINSEL!

“Do not allow yourself to be be strangled by close-minded desires.”

GARLAND!

“Life is a circle of pain that you should not contribute to with your own selfishness.   Or else.”

ORNAMENT!

“Those who judge others will suffer the consequences, as the apocalypse is nigh.”

STOCKINGS!

“People who shirk their responsibilities will  suffer inescapable lifelong guilt and face strong punishment in the afterlife. You hear that, Anthony?!”

Happy Holidays, everyone!

Filed under: Comedy, Uncategorized by jenkwok